Mary Todd Lincoln's faux pas (plural), worse, and much worse

[David Lockmiller]

One of President Lincoln’s oldest and best friends, Colonel Edward D. Baker, was killed in battle at Ball’s Bluff, Virginia on October 21, 1861. The second child of Mary Todd Lincoln and Abraham Lincoln was given the name Edward Baker Lincoln to honor this man. And, Senator Edward Baker was chosen by Mr. Lincoln to introduce the President-elect to the people at the Presidential Inaugural ceremony in 1861.

Mr. C. C. Coffin, who was at McClellan’s headquarters when Lincoln received the news of his friend’s death, tells of the scene:

“We could hear the click of the telegraph in the adjoining room and low conversation between the President and General McClellan, succeeded by silence, excepting the click, click of the instrument, which went on with its tale of disaster. Five minutes passed, and then Mr. Lincoln, unattended, with bowed head and tears rolling down his furrowed cheeks, his face pale and wan, his breast heaving with emotion, passed through the room. He almost fell as he stepped into the street. We sprang involuntarily from our seats to render assistance, but he did not fall. With both hands pressed upon his heart, he walked down the street, not returning the salute of the sentinel pacing his beat before the door.” (Ida M. Tarbell, “The Life of Abraham Lincoln,” Vol. Two, pages 70-71, The Macmillan Company, 1925) [General McClellan had informed C. C. Coffin and others of the cause for Mr. Lincoln’s display of grief a few moments later.]

At the funeral of Edward Baker, President Lincoln wept uncontrollably. . . . The President later deemed Baker’s death the “keenest blow” he suffered in the entire war. (Professor Michael Burlingame, “Abraham Lincoln: A Life” Vol. Two, page 271.)

Mary Lincoln shocked many people at Edward D. Baker’s funeral by appearing in a lilac dress, bonnet, and gloves. Some members of her circle, thinking she should be made aware of that breach of etiquette, dispatched one of her closest friends to convey the message. Upon arriving at the White House, the emissary was greeted by Mary Lincoln with an exclamation: “I am so glad you have come, I am just as mad I can be. Mrs. Crittenden has just been here to remonstrate with me for wearing my lilac suit to Colonel Baker’s funeral. I wonder if the women of Washington expect me to muffle myself up in mourning for every soldier killed in this great War?”

“But Mrs. Lincoln,” came the reply, “do you not think black more suitable to wear at a funeral because there is a great war in the nation?”

“No, I don’t. I want the women to mind their own business; I intend to wear what I please.”

(Professor Michael Burlingame, “Abraham Lincoln: A Life” Vol. Two, page 271)

[Gene C]

Interesting David, I haven't heard this before.
I don't have Burlingame's book, does he mention the source about Mrs. Lincolns funeral apparel and comments?

[Linda Anderson]

Gene, you can read Burlingame's unedited manuscript here.

The reference to Baker's funeral is in Volume 2, Chapter 25, p. 2772.

http://www.knox.edu/academics/distinctiv...-life.html

By the way, I don't think Burlingame gives enough credit to Lincoln for loving this difficult woman. With all the horror of the war upon him, Lincoln still took the time to reach out to Mary by asking her to go on a solitary carriage ride with him on April 14. There is no way he would have done that if he did not love her. Whatever matters to me is how Lincoln treated Mary, not how I personally feel about her.

[LincolnToddFan]

(06-12-2014 09:47 AM)Linda Anderson Wrote:  Gene, you can read Burlingame's unedited manuscript here.

The reference to Baker's funeral is in Volume 2, Chapter 25, p. 2772.

http://www.knox.edu/academics/distinctiv...-life.html

By the way, I don't think Burlingame gives enough credit to Lincoln for loving this difficult woman. With all the horror of the war upon him, Lincoln still took the time to reach out to Mary by asking her to go on a solitary carriage ride with him on April 14. There is no way he would have done that if he did not love her. Whatever matters to me is how Lincoln treated Mary, not how I personally feel about her.

So true Linda!

Those are the type of authors that I find most credible. Burlingame only seems interested in stories/anecdotes that portray MTL at her absolute worst. Admittedly there are many of those. But there are also stories of her kindness to hospitalized Union soldiers and her loyalty to the Union cause. What about her courage? Her decision to remain in Washington at her husband's side when Lincoln's own military aides suggested she and the children leave the capital for their own safety? What about her trip to Fort Stevens with Lincoln? What of her concern for contraband former slaves in D.C?

Are those examples of notorious faux pas as well?

By the way, according to Lincoln, it was Mary who named all four of their children. It was HER decision to name their second son Edward Baker Lincoln.( How typical of the author to mention that Baker was so great a friend to AL that his second son was named for him, but doesn't mention WHERE the idea to give him that name came from!)

Mary's name gesture tells me more about her esteem for the guy than what she wore to his funeral!

I've posted this before, but an extremely negative look at MTL does not put Abraham Lincoln-who Burlingame apparently feels is beyond approach-in a good light. According to quite a few people who spent time with them, he loved his difficult troubled wife in spite of everything.

And if he did not, as Burlingame believes-then he was the most dishonest, weak and deceitful of men.

[David Lockmiller]

(06-12-2014 10:37 AM)LincolnToddFan Wrote:  By the way, according to Lincoln, it was Mary who named all four of their children. It was HER decision to name their second son Edward Baker Lincoln.( How typical of the author to mention that Baker was so great a friend to AL that his second son was named for him, but doesn't mention WHERE the idea to give him that name came from!)

What is scholarship work citation to this statement allegedly made by Lincoln? If that is a commonly known fact regarding Lincoln, I should tell you that is the first time that I have heard such a statement.

What did Lincoln actually say on the subject?

Guess one: "I do not care what you name the children; that's your job. My job is to provide for my family, whatever their names are."

[LincolnToddFan]

AL made the comment during the WH years when he was asked to christen a warship or something. He laughed and his exact comment as I remember reading it was..." I can't name anything...Mary named all the children"!


There is apparently quite a lot that you haven't read about this couple, but understanding you deeply you esteem good scholarship, I will dig through my many books and try to find where I read it.

[David Lockmiller]

(06-12-2014 09:47 AM)Linda Anderson Wrote:  Gene, you can read Burlingame's unedited manuscript here.

The reference to Baker's funeral is in Volume 2, Chapter 25, p. 2772.

http://www.knox.edu/academics/distinctiv...-life.html

By the way, I don't think Burlingame gives enough credit to Lincoln for loving this difficult woman. With all the horror of the war upon him, Lincoln still took the time to reach out to Mary by asking her to go on a solitary carriage ride with him on April 14. There is no way he would have done that if he did not love her. Whatever matters to me is how Lincoln treated Mary, not how I personally feel about her.

First of all, I want to say that I highly respect you for all of the informatiive postings that you have made. I especially appreciate the information that you provided about the Grants and Mary in Paris. I would have known nothing on this particular subject without your comments. However, I do think though that both General Grant and Mrs. Grant were justifiably wary of providing Mary with any kind of stage for her theatrics.

I believe that I have said here on the Lincoln Discussion Symposium and I know that I have said these words on the old Friends of Lincoln Mailbag: "Lincoln loved Ann; he married Mary."

It was Lincoln's family (and Mary as the mother) that was important to him. As the years passed, it seems correct to me that he referred to Mary more and more often as "Mother."

You state above that you "don't think Burlingame gives enough credit to Lincoln for loving this difficult woman." Lincoln did the best he could in the marriage, the very best he knew how in dealing with this very difficult and highly insensitive woman right up to the very end of his life. He never abandoned her to uncontrolled and justifiable criticism from himself, although sometimes he had to walk away (and stay away) from her tirades.

I provide the following two examples of what I consider to be highly insensitive behavior by Mary Todd Lincoln in the last six months of President Lincoln's life:

1) Abraham Lincoln was elected President of the United States for a second term in November, 1864. Beforehand, Mary Todd Lincoln told her confidante, Mrs. Keckley: "If he is re-elected, I can keep him in ignorance of my affairs; but if he is defeated, then the bills will be sent in, and he will know all."

2) On the night of April 11, 1865, President Lincoln delivered a formal speech to a very large crowd on the important and contested subject of reconstruction. Professor Burlingame reported on an incident occuring during the initial portion of the speech (Abraham Lincoln: A Life, Vol. Two, page 802):

As the president spoke from a window of the White House, his wife and Clara Harris, daughter of New York Senator Ira Harris, stood at a nearby window chatting so loudly that they nearly drowned out the president. Initially, the crowd tolerated this unbecoming behavior, but in time people emphatically told the noisemakers to quiet down. Disconcerted by their shushing, Lincoln feared that something he said had given offense. But he soon realized that no disrespect was meant and, with "an expression of pain and mortification which came over his face as if such strokes were not new," continued reading his speech.



Sometimes, Mary Todd Lincoln showed no consideration whatsoever for the difficulties and challenges that Abraham Lincoln faced as President of the United States in four years of Civil War. Lincoln did not have a well-deserved partner in marriage; he had a very difficult woman with whom he had to contend on many occasions.

From a woman's perspective, I should want to know how does such a highly-respected man "love" a difficult woman such as Mary Todd Lincoln?

[LincolnToddFan]

It sounds like what you( and a certain well regarded scholar) are saying is that because you cannot imagine loving a woman like Mary Todd, Abraham Lincoln could not possibly have?

This despite the fact that Lincoln himself told a journalist in the WH that he fell in love with his wife when he met her and had never fallen out of love with her? Do you suggest that he was lying then, or exaggerating...things he was not famous for doing?

You-and the Prof., have done a good job in documenting the tragically long list of this woman's many flaws, sins, and shortcomings. Why do you insist on ignoring and minimize other evidence-and there is much of it-of her good qualities and of the president's love and appreciation for this woman in spite of herself?

Frankly from a "woman's perspective" I am not sure what Mary saw in AL. He was brilliant and visionary as a leader, but as a husband I am not sure I could have been happy with him. As Mary Owens put it Mr. Lincoln was "deficient" in the things that make up a woman's happiness. But Mary Todd did not agree. She loved him and he loved her and she well knew that as her letters attest. One of his last conscious gestures before Booth's bullet found him was to reach for her hand.

He had known her as a young woman, before the stresses of life and the loss of their children made her ill. Perhaps he was able to see beyond her caprices, her selfishness, her obvious instability and remember that she was-at her very best- also intelligent, loyal, and brave? Perhaps Mr. Lincoln loved his wife because she WASN'T perfect? He was not a perfect man and he knew it. So why would he have demanded a perfect wife?

It's not important if you or Professor Burlingame don't understand WHY or HOW he could love a woman like her, nor is it necessary.

[Eva Elisabeth]

(06-13-2014 01:19 AM)David Lockmiller Wrote:  From a woman's perspective, I should want to know how does such a highly-respected man "love" a difficult woman such as Mary Todd Lincoln?

Well then, back to bashing by Burlingame and Billy. Let's see what else they offer (and I say sorry in advance for coming up with some of the dirtiest linen they washed). If Mary was such an overall rotten character - why did A. L., a highly-respected free man with a free will, marry her?

Ye reap what ye sow - maybe he just got his just deserts? Truth to be told, I, and I'm sure any highly-respected gentlewoman either, wouldn't like to marry or remain married to a man who was that morally lax that he (according to Herndon) "could scarcely keep his hands off them [women]", who as a married man while on the circuit made "improper advances to a young woman", "his host's grown daughter" who "fell on Lincoln's pillow" and "put it [his hand] where it ought not to be", and let girls satisfy him on the basis of prior financial agreement (before and during his marriage). Not to forget the 1861 episode with Hanna Armstrong, who recalled "that it was not every woman who had the good fortune & high honor of sleeping with a president".
All this and way more is to be found where? Surprise, surprise, in M. Burlingame's "A Life":
Please download chapter 6 and see pp.591- 596:
http://www.knox.edu/academics/distinctiv...-life.html (Pp. 198-200 in the paperback edition.)

How disillusionating in case you believe everything contemporaries told and historians analyzed - David, what do you think about all this?

[LincolnToddFan]

Well Eva E., I had not heard or read most of those things...thank you!

Perhaps Abe and Mary WERE indeed better suited for one another than even I have realized....

[Eva Elisabeth]

Honestly I don't feel well posting all this dirty linen as I anyway don't believe all the stuff Messieurs Burlingame and Herndon wrote, and I think one shouldn't spread such unnecessarily (Roger, please feel free to delete), but after all I wanted to see if the homeopathic principle would be more convincing...
However, at all I think and appreciate both A. L. and Mary were normal human beings.

[Gene C]

Thanks Eva for the info. That certainly explains the fits of rage I've heard about from Hillary, oops I mean Mary, threw in the White House

[J. Beckert]

I recently ran into an old friend who for years never had anything good to say about his wife. Neither did any of his close friends. They slept separately for years and barely spoke. After 40+ years together, she became ill and he became her caregiver. He told me a few years before she fell ill, they started to become close again and when he told me she'd recently died, he got upset. It told me that after so many unhappy years, there was a reason he'd never left her and that there, after several children and a long history, was still something there.

If we're to judge history and those who made it by our own personal feelings and experiences, you can make Lincoln or anyone else anything you want. Mr. Tripp made AL gay. Others demonize any Southerner because of the current atmosphere that makes it popular to point and scream "Racist!". The same goes for marriages. You could do what's being done to the Lincoln's marriage to Bill & Hillary's. Who knows what someone else felt 150 years ago, especially after losing two children together. Strong bonds are made under many different circumstances and I don't think it's possible to judge folks from another time if you interject your personal feelings and prejudices.

[Gene C]

Good comments Joe!

[BettyO]

Very well said, Joe!

I'm coming in late to this very interesting discussion and I'm of the very same opinion. These folk lived 150 years ago. Unless something was written down in a diary/journal by individuals, it's near impossible to pin down what they thought/said in a particular circumstance. People seem to avoid or miss the fact that the 19th Century held different values than do current times. People were different - yes, they were still people, but values and morals were strikingly different and a lot of modern writers/researchers/historians sometimes miss that.

It's extremely difficult to write when very little is recorded or written.