Did Lincoln Regret Marrying Mary?

[Liz Rosenthal]

(10-07-2013 05:29 PM)Eva Elisabeth Wrote:  According to what Abraham Lincoln said to a correspondent to the "Christian Register" at a White House reception he didn't regret: "My wife is as handsome as when she was a young girl and I, a poor nobody, fell in love with her, and what is more, I have never fallen out." (...after over twenty years...)
Recently I read the theory that a great deal of Herndon's charge that the Lincoln household was a "domestic hell" rooted in Herndon's dislike of their undisciplined children ("brats"). Interesting idea.

I second Roger's point of view. And in the end, Wilson, Burlingame et al. make up and argue their opinion from "consulting" and interpreting the available sources - and are probably also influenced by their own understanding and ideal of a happy marriage and family life. A lot of people can't understand that others have different values than they have. And living as only a "core family" without further relatives under the same roof in those days I think was an unusual lifestyle, too.

To all who want to read "Mary's story" from different point of view, I recommend "The trials of Mrs. Lincoln" by Samuel Schreiner. (Although the focus is on the insanety trials, it at least briefly covers her entire life). The author also shows therein that it is possible to explain her "insane" behavior, and one could understand the thoughts and fears he has put into Mary's mind as those of a human beings ones, not just as of those of a "hellcat'" or an "insane". And he offers a point of view on the marriage from which one could imagine that - despite the normal ups and downs - she might have been exactly the counterpart A. L. needed - personally and with regard to his career. I think Mary deserves this book to be read.

Does anyone know - was Abraham Lincoln present at the birth of any of his children? I think he was on the circuit when Willie and Tad were born (but I'm not sure), maybe at Robert's birth?

Eva, author Jean Baker makes arguments similar to yours. She says that Mary was the perfect political partner for AL because of her own political savvy, and that Mary's poor treatment by the press was due in no small part to the fact that she was an assertive, intelligent woman (as Laurie also mentioned).

That isn't to say that Mary didn't cause Lincoln to suffer heartaches. Anecdotally, it sounds like she had a terrible problem with anxiety, and was quick to anger. But there are plenty of stories of how Lincoln tried to be as supportive as possible, when he could. For example, if, while at the office in Springfield, he heard a thunderstorm approaching, he would hurry home to comfort Mary, who was extremely afraid of thunderstorms.

On the other hand, it's hard to justify a lot of Mary's behavior during the White House years, particularly when it came to her excessive spending on clothes and jewelry, for which she was given generous credit since she was the president's wife. Other times, she accepted valuable gifts in exchange for favors, which Mary may or may not have been able to bestow. She also made friends with some shady characters, whose dealings in society were questionable either morally or ethically, and it's at least suspected that one of AL's major addresses was leaked to the press ahead of time by one of Mary's indiscreet friends.

In general, I get the impression that while Mary's influence on AL's life and fortunes during the pre-presidential years was largely positive, this was not the case during the presidential years, and Herndon has nothing to do with this impression. In the White House, Mary seems to have suffered a great deal and not been a comfort to her husband who really could have used serious emotional support on a daily basis. Of course, he was unable to provide her with the emotional support that she may have needed, since he was working, for most of his time as president, almost around the clock.

But Mary was also not much of a comfort to Tad after Willie died. While I can understand her being in mourning, even for an extended period of time, she hurt Tad by banishing his friends, the Taft children, from the White House, because they reminded her of Willie. Frankly, that's just cruel.

Then again, without any fanfare, Mary did visit thousands of wounded soldiers, brought them food and gifts and wrote letters home for them.

But then you have the way that Mary treated Elizabeth Keckley in the year or two after AL's death. Time and again, Mary requested that Mrs. K help her with the sale of her clothing, which caused Mrs. K to drop her work and spend her own money to travel to and stay in New York and endeavor to get merchants interested in the sale, as well as benefactors to help Mary pay her debts. As far as I know, Mrs. K was never reimbursed by Mary for any of the expenditures. This is probably what led to Mrs. K's book.

Overall, though, with all of Mary's faults, there certainly is enough evidence that, at least during the pre-presidential years, Mary gave Abe what he needed, more often than not.