Are those stories about Mary abusive to Abraham overstated???

[Angela]

A fascinating discussion! As someone who has “met” Lincoln not in the traditional way, I’d like to add some thoughts.

I first came across the so called Mary-bashing through “Herndon’s Informants” and had a difficult time believing his statements and the comments he had collected. After buying a compilation of Mary’s letters, I felt that she was a very unlikable person. She was harsh in her judgments and at times even cruel. This made me rethink the Herndon papers.

Reading the Burlingame bio, a lot of his evaluations rang true and as a woman, I feel that her personal comments in connection with the actions other people described, are quite in line.
Also, to play the devils advocate, I’d like to take a few comments that were made here and wonder how women would feel if men were to argue in the same way.

For example, it was mentioned that “It's wasn't her fault and her will to have those vulnerabilities” concerning her mental state. Would we forgive abusive behavior from a man by brushing the cruelties aside pointing to his “mental state”? Especially, if it is repeated over years with no apparent traumatization (looking at her younger years).

And another example – men talk about what it might have felt like for Lincoln to be abused like this and the question is raised “What do they know in the end about the Lincolns' feelings that allows them such destructive claims?” – would we talk about women discussing abuse the same way in return?
After all, behind every person discussing this, there might be another victim.

I have sifted through hundreds and thousands of pages of original sources concerning Mary – mostly because I wanted to find any evidence that she was behind her husband’s success.
I have yet to find any active supportive role she took other than being a good hostess at parties, as were many women during that time.

How her political interest did Lincoln’s career any good is still a mystery to me.
I only found evidence to the contrary (e.g. her dismissal of Seward) but during that time of reading travel I came across a woman who was very much normal and in control of herself for a long time, albeit a woman I would not wish to spend much time with.