Incident at an Antique Store

[Wild Bill]

With apologies to Roger Norton, who has seen all this before. . . . I just could not resist:

Well, well, well, dog my cats and please pass the grits and greens! Someone is bucking for the Harry Reid award for stereotypical, condescending, politically-correct language. I guess it all depends on whose ox is getting gored?

You mean to tell me that the Yankees won the war? Mind ‘splaining why it took to 1964 until they won the peace, led by a Southerner? Next time you try to belittle those who still fail to see the New Birth of Freedom and its prime advocate, “Honest” Abe Lincoln the rail-splitter (or is it word-splitter) as the savoir and not the ruination of what the Founding Fathers wrought, be sure one of good ole boys in the pickup trucks with the loud pipes and Confederate flag flying from the radio antenna is not one of the recipients of yore Northern, holier-than-thou slander. I bet you thought we just plain could not read, huh? Nazism my foot!

There is an old story about the Southern gal who was sent to charm school to learn to say the word “fantastic” instead of “bull *****.” You ought to keep up with the more recent Lincoln historiography that finds him, his presidency, and his policies in peace and war less than noble. But i guess that that is impossible because your fawning adoration of, what was it Secretary of War Stanton (or was it General George McClellan) called him? --“the baboon in the White House," I believe. It’s all quite fantastic, isn’t it?

Well, y’all (you know the difference between y’all and all y’all?) will have to excuse me, good buddies, I have to go out and warm up the ole P.U. truck and hoist the Rebel flag, and hit the horn once real goooood, ‘cause it plays “Dixie.” Fantastic! Who’d a thunk it? Well, in all honesty, my door bell plays it, too, and it’s the ring tone on my cell phone. You Yanks shore do make some mighty fancy stuff!

Fantastic!

Excuse me for being so slow in returning yore e-mail. We do things a mite slow out thisaway. Did you know that Scarlett O’Hara was pregnant for 13 months in the first draft of Gone with the Wind? That damnyankee editor made Margaret Mitchell change it—even after she explained that the South was slow on everything. Makes you wonder where Stonewall Jackson’s “foot cavalry” come from. Bye now, hear?

William L. Richter (they do not call me Wild Bill for nuttin'!)
From the sovereign state of Louisiana
(hell, they even give me a collig degree from LSU! Shows you where education in the South has gone. Fantastic!)