Lincoln vs Booth mano a mano

[Liz Rosenthal]

Well, since we're being counter-factual here, we're actually dealing with limitless possibilities.

I mean, what if the Japanese got to Pearl Harbor, only to learn that many of their bombs were duds and that the ones that worked missed most of their intended targets? My answer: The Americans might have sustained moderate, instead of heavy, losses, and been able to beat back the Japanese. Roosevelt would still have asked Congress to declare war on Japan, and Congress would have gladly complied.

What if the U.S. Navy caught wind of the attack a few days early and were ready for the onslaught? My answer: The Japanese would have been completely thwarted and Roosevelt still would have gotten that war declaration.

What if, instead of strafing and bombing Pearl Harbor, the Japanese found themselves attacking the remote Pribilof Islands of Alaska, where the only inhabitants were some seabirds and walruses, and not a battleship in sight? My answer: After some very angry seabirds finished vomiting and pooping on the invaders, the whole world would have been struck with the giggles to such an extent that World War Two just came to an end. The lives of tens of millions were saved. Isn't laughter the best medicine?

So let's examine what the results might have been had Booth's gun misfired. Here's what actually happened:

The gun was just not cooperating. Booth exasperatedly fiddled with the trigger; as he did so, Lincoln heard a noise behind him, and turned, lifting his tall form from the rocker. The villainous actor desperately tried to get a shot off, but, as the President lunged at him, the gun discharged into the floorboards, where the bullet lodged. At just that moment, Lincoln knocked the gun out of the would-be assassin's hands and plunged a fist into the younger man's face. Although Booth had planned to draw a knife on the President, once he sustained the blow, all he managed to do was stumble backwards through the open doorway behind the box and fall hard against the wall, unconscious. A thrilled audience cheered.

Lincoln comforted Mary, who'd been screaming all the while. He said: "Molly, don't cry. Didn't you know I can still whip any man?"

Major Rathbone had fainted at the sight of the blood spurting from Booth's broken nose.

Long story short, Lincoln wasn't assassinated. The conspirators were brought to justice; death sentences were distributed. It was just as well, as Booth's acting career would have come to an embarrassing end with that nasal whine that came out of his mouth during the trial. Lincoln served out the remainder of his second term a huge national hero. Reconstruction succeeded. African-Americans didn't have to wait another hundred years for their civil rights.